A couple of months ago my challenges with Seger started getting harder to get thru gracefully. I didn’t like the way I was parenting and it had a snowball effect. I would get discouraged and dislike myself and couldn’t sleep. Most of my insomnia came from my worries about my bro and my parenting. For once it wasn’t about my work. So, I eventually decided I would see a psychiatrist to help me get thru this time without anxiety. I have never taken drugs for anything related to the brain. I knew I could handle it. This time I didn’t want seger to have to handle me while I was handling it and nothing is more important right now than him.
I did some research and found this dr. That does biofeedback. It’s a way to work out parts of your brain that aren’t functioning normally.
After a 3 hr consultation with him he recommended I deal with what looks like to be ADHD. He said you have all the symptoms and with all that I have going on (ie. running a biz with 25 employees, raising a toddler on my own, dad with cancer, brother with paranoid scizophrenia, mom losing her mind and getting really irrational and mean and stepdad with advanced Parkinson’s) and trying to handle it with ADD it would cause anyone anxiety. He said that biofeedback would be great for me but he thought that I should take ADD meds for a couple of weeks to get immediate relief. So I complied. I felt like I was on cocaine for 4 days and the final decision to abort med-mission was when I woke up on Saturday,our designated morning to lay around, and packed up the baby, called my manager and said I ”m coming to work’. He said ‘why’ and I didn’t know. A couple hours later he called me and said ‘where are you?’ And I was at a park playing with Seger.
Monday morning I called the Doc and told him what happened and he said 5% of people with ADD don’t respond to the meDs. So we decided to do a brain scan and start the biofeedback. After 2 hrs of a swim cap with wires coming out of it on my head, and having to be so still we concluded theses soon. He explained that he’d have to clean up the images. As he and 2 nurses were watching my brain in motion you could also see all the other muscles moving like blinking and tightening of forehead and jaw. He would have to take all the movement out that wasn’t my brain to get the clearest pic (it’s actually a video). How cool is this?
I asked him if there is anything that he noticed that he could tell me at this point. He explained that the front of the brain is where we process info. It is where the ADD brain is typically slower. He said a back portion of the brain, where mine seems to be slower is where the information is received . This typically means LD not ADD and the symptoms are usually very similar.
I’m not sure where we go from here but I’m pretty stoked to understand myself better. I thought I was dumb for many years based on the fact that I got poor grades since I was in the 3rd grade, then I found I have a high IQ because a therapist who insisted I take an iq test to prove me wrong.
I ll find out Tuesday more but until then, can you imagine all of the children diagnosed ADD that have a learning disability and are jacked up on medicines they don’t need.
I started running and my stress level went immediately down as well as I’m sleeping better. I excursive will probably be the cure all buy this was a seriously a cool process nonetheless.
Finding my phone
I have a tendency to put Seger in his car seat before i do the last 3 walk-back-in-the-house-for-whatever-shit-i-forgots. He is comfy there and relaxes while i run around. This one time we were late and i couldn’t find my phone to save my life. After 3 times in and out of house, going thru trash, and taking apart the car i asked him if he wanted to get out of his car seat while i continued my search. He said ‘i want to stay here’. i went inside again and text myself from my computer and heard nothing. i went back outside to ask again if he wanted to come out and help because he was now in there about 20 minutes. He said ‘check your backpack’. I said ‘i did already’. He said ‘check it again’………
I can’t go back to sleep if I wake up. I woke this morn at 2am and it’s almost 4. I’m so depressed about it. What am I going to do?! My brother has schizophrenia and is eating himself to death. My dad has cancer and my step dad has very advanced Parkinson’s. During our Chritmas eve together my dads wish is for us all to go to his church with him. It was wonderful. My bro with 4 kids and is a deacon so it’s important to him to attend his own church says ‘we have go do this because it could be Dads last Christmas’ as a joke. This is what I deal with. 15 people in my immediate Fam who have no interest in dealing. But the shit is so heavy right now. Toddlers are difficult. The other day Segrer was acting his age and i got a tear in my eye so he walked over and hugged me and kissed me and said ‘be happy’. This is all wrong. He, in no way is supposed to be my support. That made me sad for him and as usual feel as if I’ve failed. Just writing this makes me see how wrong it is to be so hard on myself. I am challenged and I’m down with it. I just really need sleep.