I can’t go back to sleep if I wake up. I woke this morn at 2am and it’s almost 4. I’m so depressed about it. What am I going to do?! My brother has schizophrenia and is eating himself to death. My dad has cancer and my step dad has very advanced Parkinson’s. During our Chritmas eve together my dads wish is for us all to go to his church with him. It was wonderful. My bro with 4 kids and is a deacon so it’s important to him to attend his own church says ‘we have go do this because it could be Dads last Christmas’ as a joke. This is what I deal with. 15 people in my immediate Fam who have no interest in dealing. But the shit is so heavy right now. Toddlers are difficult. The other day Segrer was acting his age and i got a tear in my eye so he walked over and hugged me and kissed me and said ‘be happy’. This is all wrong. He, in no way is supposed to be my support. That made me sad for him and as usual feel as if I’ve failed. Just writing this makes me see how wrong it is to be so hard on myself. I am challenged and I’m down with it. I just really need sleep.
IT’S TIME TO SLEEP, I LOVE YOU
Wow! Since we switched to the toddler bed he has gone to bed without work 1 time. It is 1140pm and he is still coming out of his bed and i am still putting him back and repeating the same thing ‘It’s time to go to sleep, i love you, Seger’. It’s been 2 hrs of this. I have to pep talk myself every night because i am so exhausted during this and if i get anxious he will feel it. I fucked it up a few times. Since we started the toddler bed we went camping in Georgia, we had a couple sleep overs and One time this week i went to sleep in between a break and he came in and snuggled up and i never knew. Basically, every morning between 4-7 he comes in. So far i have gone in 3x since i started writing this. Tonight he pulled out some new cards now (5x now 6) i think he just fell asleep as i put him down the last time because his breath got heavy as he hit the bed. Anyway, tonight, one of the things he did after an hour of trying to come out is he came out without his diaper. How fucking brilliant is that? He figured out a way to get me to stay in there more than my one line. Second thing he did that blew my mind is called me Super Mom. We watched an old version of Spider Man (waking up with fever means TV all day). Spidey has a friend named Fire Woman and for some reason every time Seger sees a princess or a female super hero he says Mama. Pretty rad, huh? Well, today, when he said ‘Mama’ i said ‘Super Mom’. Now he pulled it out as a tool to get out of bed an hour and half after trying everything else. The worst is when i hear his feet walking towards the door and i open it and he falls to the floor and giggles. How the hell am i supposed to keep a straight face? It’s serious, though. He needs to learn to sleep in his room. Sleep is a tool that we all need to get good at and if i don’t teach him, he’ll be fucked like me. I can’t help but wonder if i thought he was really good at going to sleep when he was in the crib but he was just laying there being awesome and up the whole time.
Hitting and Yelling
Nothing has hurt my feelings more than Seger hitting me. It happens almost every day. I do not have the energy to write about it now but i need guidance and patience to help him stop.
Today he yelled at his friend, Leo Hart, and it sounded like me when i have my serious-voice on. I didn’t like the way i sound.